What a Breakup Looks Like.

A little about me. My name is Mike, I am a freelance photojournalist.

Writing never was my strong point, nor was spelling. Most of the things I wrote for newspapers, magazines, and other website articles have always been edited to have the proper grammar and spelling.

So I will try my best to keep everything on point so it is not too horrific to your eyes and mind while reading,

The photos I am sharing are just some thoughts though a breakup that happened today. Around seven in the morning.

So the first picture you see is shot right after I asked my ex why she had a dating profile when here and I were together.

Her answer(s): "I am breaking up with you." "We are just not compatable."

"We were never dating." "We never saw each other."

"I hate sharing feelings."

To be honest I tried my hardest every day to get her attention between the two and three word answers she always gave me.

When I would ask, "How your day was?" I actually wanted to know what went on in her day. Who she talked to, what office prank was pulled on who. What was her highs and lows of the day.

To answer her we never see each other the last three weeks of being together I wanted to come over to her house to spend some time and make her her favorite meal.

She told me she was sick and ignored all my texts. So I let it slide. But, the following weekend I wanted to see her again before she left with her family for vacation. I tried my hardest to get her to answer when she would like to hang out and what time she would like to meet up. She never answered back till late evening with "I am sorry, I fell asleep."

So now it was two weeks of not really seeing each other or talking to each other. This week was no real difference. She never made an attempt to talk to me again other than "Good Morning." and I would ask how she was and just get "Okay" and no answer back for the rest of the day even when I tried to text her.

So I guess in hind sight her avoiding me was her way of stating she was not interested in me. But, I have asked her before we broke up if she still wanted me. She was pretty convincing she wanted to stay with me she just was never really talkative.

Well After the breakup I decided I would call off from my normal job. Take some time and think my feelings out. Rebuild from what was ruined.

Well when I shot this photo these were the notes of my thoughts while I walked around.

• I can say I tried my best. I gave it 110% to show her I valued her and wanted to grow with her.

• Why do I come here every time I get hurt emotionally? Maybe we go back to where it is safe and familiar. Like a dog does when they need to lick their wounds.

Well I decided to walk around a little more before I took to a bench to write down more of my thoughts.

• I guess break up days do not always happen on gloomy days. It is very beautiful outside and warm. A nice 65F/18C.

• I was told by another photographer I know that listening to music really can help when you need to get into the creative feed. I wonder if it will make my photos look and depict the feelings I have inside.

• I really cannot shake the feeling of wanting to make an idiot of myself. Trying everything I can to get her to like me and want to be with me. But, I know the more I try the more things will get worse. It would be a panic and frantic effort that will cause more damage than what is already done.

• Looking at other people who are by them self and I wonder if they are just as alone feeling as me?

• Some sick part of me wants some random stranger just to talk to me and then my life will be changed forever. But that is not reality, that is not how the world works.

• Why is it when someone rips out your heart and stomps it into the ground you just are left with this feeling of being alone? All your friends, and all your family just seem so distant and far away. Then there you are. Trapped on a desert island screaming for help. Writing and S.O.S. that no one can hear or see.

To be honest I know my ex will get pissed knowing I wrote this. Sharing private details about us, about what went wrong. Maybe feel this is a one sided story and she needs to tell her part to make herself look like the heroine while I am the villain.

Maybe I am a little villainous. I have gotten frustrated time to time in the past about her refusing to talk to me, do anything with me. Even including me in small parts of her life like sharing moments with me, building strong memories, or bonding with me over activities.

I have said on more than one occasion that I really do feel she hates me or does not want to be with me out of anger and frustration because she blew me off or never answers back to me.

I guess she can get mad if she stumbles upon this. Though I am not going to name her. I will keep her name to myself because maybe she is right. Maybe we are just not compatible. Maybe there is a personality trait that I have that is like a clicking in the back of her skull that makes her want to rip her hair out every night.

I really do hope she finds someone that will love and treat her the way she wants to be treated.

All I wanted to do with her was just show her what this world has that makes me happy. Take her with me on my business trips to explore. Stay up all night talking each other's head off about nothing. But at the same time talking for the soul purpose of being close to one another. I wanted her to be my best friend. The person I can be weak in front of but still be the man she knows will take good care of her in the ways she wants.

It is amazing in some cynical way I guess, you are hurt and you just look at everything different. You wonder what this person is feeling. Wondering why that object makes you sad inside.

• How do people do it? How do people find each other and form a life long bond or a bond that seems so indestructible? What do I do that makes every relationship I start have a foundation so weak?

• All I can really say is I am not getting any younger. I am in my thirties. When I was younger the pound seemed so big. So many people. But the pound now is just so small. Perhaps I have grown in this pound so big that there is no room for anyone else so now I slowly die because I am suffocating myself.

• Is my generation the disconnected generation. Disconnected from each other and only connected from a distance of a phone leeching off one digital friend to another just to feel good for one brief moment?

• What do I have to do to find lasting love?

Even looking at things like this vending machine I just wonder what I did wrong.

"Was it me who screwed up, both of us? Maybe just her?"

All I can really say is that love just does not randomly happen. Love takes work. It has boring moments it has happy moments. We can get angry with each other, We can get prideful of one another. But love is team work. It is respect. I respect you. I honor who you are. Put your thoughts and feelings before my own actions to make sure it is the best for both of us. But in the end if one person is the only doing all the work to keep the fire burning. The fire will just burn out when they need to rest for a moment.

"Love does not hurt. Love is healing. Love is life giving. Love creates passion, love promotes peace.

What does hurt is letting go of love. When you lose love, your body telling you that part of you is hurt.

People are so quick to hurt one another because they forget how to love. They are taught how to hate, how to vindicate their own feelings so they can feel invincible for a short period of time. But inside, they still hurt.

You can wear all the armor you want to protect yourself. But if you do not take it off so you and someone else can take care of your wounds you will slowly bleed out.

Love is represented by a heart because you need a heart to live. You need love to live.

If things were so easy to get we would never be so grateful for the things we do have. So since it is hard to love. We should all start loving more. Because when we are loved back. We will be grateful for it."